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my childhood was taken

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10/03/2015        Anonymous

im 17 years old and was abused from the age of 8 by my cousin, I remember going to my aunties house for Christmas everything was going so nice and I just felt happy that I was with my family then later on that night we all went to bed and I slept on the camp bed in my cousins room with my other cousin who is my age. I remember just lying on the bed and hearing my older cousin coming off the bunk bed and felt someone heavy on me I was confused and didn't know what to do I just sobbed and closed my eyes the pain I was going through was unbearable I couldn't wait for it all to be over and when it finally was I curled to the side and cried all night, I didn't understand what happened because he was such a good cousin and still to this day I still class him as my family, from then I just put it to the back of my mind but because ive blocked it out that much I can only remember certain bits which isn't a bad thing but you know when u just want to know what exactly happened to you all them other times. I only told my family last year. I was in hospital for taking an overdose for the 5th time my family was so angry with me but I was just so hurt and torn down I just wanted to be gone get away from these nightmares and life I couldn't cope I was constantly scared I never trusted boys so relationships with males never worked out. I tried everything to end my life but nothing worked I was so desperate to be free and get away from all the pain I was feeling. he use to come round my house everyday and I had to act so normal because I knew the minute I acted different my mum would of knew straight away and I got to the point where I tried making myself believe it never happened but it kept going over and over in my head, how could he do this? my mum was always there for him we was always there for him? one day I just had enough and I couldn't cope anymore I was upstairs in my room and I heard his voice outside my door talking to my mum and I just couldn't bear it so I took an overdose and the next day my auntie (his mum) and sister came and seen me in hospital not knowing the reason I was in there. I just never wanted to make him suffer and now I've told the police its made the situation worse because they don't keep me updated or support me at all, I felt like I was all on my own the people I thought could help me made me feel worse, he admitted what he done to me but never got arrested because he done it off his own free will. I just miss my family being all together and it breaks my heart seeing how heartbroken this has all made my mum. from the minute I woke up I just wanted to die you know be free from the hell in my head and even at the time I was being abuse (8) I tried to jump out my window and my family called me an attention seeker which hurt me even more because if they understood the pain and heart break I was going through at that time they wouldn't of been so horrible and blame me. a lot of my family say they're there for me but they just feed off it they don't care about me there just nosey and aren't bothered about how its affected me, my mum and sister and nephew have been my absolute rock and I don't know where id be without them and if it wasn't for them I would be dead by now, and even though im still hurting my hearts starting to mend. it was like my child hood was just taken in a flash and I never got it back, my eyes were constantly so sore from crying my skin so pale like the life and been taken out of me, its like I wasn't me anymore I was someone else and that person I become just didn't want to be hear she just wanted the pain to end the hurt to end she just wanted to go sleep and never wake up it was so deep like all I could see was darkness no light just complete darkness and everyone time I tried to reach out for help I just kept getting knocked back down it was even more harder for me to see the good things if there was any. I use to self harm because I knew when that blade cut through my skin it was okay just for a few seconds I felt relief it like I was paying for everything that happened to me because I felt like I deserved it and it felt so good to punish my self for what other people had done to me like I wasn't over the first lost of abuse then august last year I was raped again by a man I never knew and it just added the the hurt and pain it was like the darkness was never going away and things were just getting worser I wanted to believe it never happened but everything just revolved around it and I was back to square one hating myself again because I blamed myself for everything that happened and though if I was never born all of this would of never of happened to me because lets face it its easier to think that way. I thought my oldest brother out of all people would be there to catch me when I fell but he wasn't I don't think he knew how to deal with it or what to say and I just felt like no one was giving me the comfort and love I needed and that hurt cause I just wanted my family to be there and show they loved me when I needed it most I was so alone it was like I was drowning and everyone around me was just standing there looking. and I was constantly in my room in the dark because I never wanted to see anyone I just never wanted them to see how I really felt but even then none of them could see the sadness in my eyes even when id been crying poring my heart out screaming so loud I had to cry into my pillow. I didn't want to wake up because when I was asleep I was free but when I woke up it was a nightmare which would be the complete opposite for most people. there will always been wounds on my body that never show but are much deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. sometimes life can knock u deep deep down but u get back up eventually and you try to rebuild your life and feel better again and that's what im doing and for anyone who has suffered any type of abuse I feel your pain and hurt but you will always be strong enough to beat it even if you don't think that at the time, I am hear for you any of you.