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I trusted my mother, but she let me down.

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21/08/2015        Malika

I started to get sexually raped at the age of 2. Before this, I was told by social services that I was being touched on numerous occasions by the different men coming to and from my home. I still have the pain down there, and i dont enjoy sex at all. I was then penetrated on a regular basis, by all types of men, who came to my mother's home, gave her her drugs, and then had their way with me. I was also starved on so many occasions. At the age of 7 I spoke out, and told a teacher what was happening. I was placed in foster care with amazing carers. I then had to move as their sons were getting older and needed my room. I was then placed in a childrens home, and i began to rebel like crazy. At the age of 15, I myself turned to crack and heroin, and I sold my body for these drugs. I was raped a few times, and I'd just get back up and go back to walk the streets. The rapes didn't ever phase me. At the age of 20, I moved from Whitechapel London, to scotland and I got clean. I met me partner after about 2 years of me being clean, and we got pregnant really quickly. We met the November, we were pregnant in the January. It was all I'd ever wanted, but I was afraid. Afraid of becoming my mother, or relapsing after of during the pregnancy. Thank you jesus. I never did. I am overprotective of my daughter, she will be 2 next month. I've had social work involved, due to my past, I don't blame them, but I'm so glad I am nothing like my mother. I have now been clean for 5 years, 6 next March 2016. The social workers said I may need councilling, but I dont think I do. I do think of the sexual abuse at times, and I cry. But I know that my daughter will never ever have to live a life like mine. I love her, and now I'm a mother, I wonder how mine could have sold me for drugs. I wonder how she could have even taken drugs when she had the most precious gift that the Lord above can GIVE? I am blessed to still be here, to be a mother, to have a chance at proving all of the social workers and services involved wrong. That in fact, I am nothing like my mother, and that I love and care for my child with every breath in me. Thank you all for reading my story, just writing this has made me feel so much stronger. I still grieve for the wee girl who got abused and hurt, but I do not feel sorry for her anymore. I just wish I could travel back in time and save her. She had no one to keep her safe. Every Child needs an adult who's gonna keep him or her safe. And it's sad, but not many of us get that. X